Jokes can help heal.
Use these and other jokes to bring smiles to the staff and patients/residents
you work with. Send additional
bad jokes.
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What do you call a cow with one leg? answer: Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with a twitch? answer: beef jerky
What do you call a cow stuck in a barbed wire fence? answer: utter destruction
two part joke-
how do you catch a unique rabbit? answer: you 'neek' up on it.
how do you catch a tame unique rabbit? answer: tame way you 'neek' up on it.
what did the gangsta say when the houses fell on him? answer: get up off me homes
two part joke:
why do elephants paint their toenails red? answer: to hide in the strawberry patch.
have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? answer: works doesn't it?
why were the strawberries all upset? answer: they were in a jam
(submitted by Erin Grover of University Nuropsychiatric Institute)
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Why did the turkey cross the road? Answer: To prove he wasn't chicken.
Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?
Answer: He wanted to see time fly.
What did the cookie say to the watermelon?
Answer: Nothing, cookies can't talk.
(Bernadette M. on February 13, 2011)
Why was tigger looking down the toilet??
A: Because he was trying to find Pooh!! Ha ha, i love that joke!!
(submitted by Katy Hogden of Hull University)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He had to report to work at KFC. :)
(submitted by Gordon Antone of Standing Stone School)
What do you call a cow that just gave birth to a calf?
"Decafinated"
(submitted by Stephen Bene)
A Passover Joke:
A Rabbi From Spain, Just Before Passover, Alarmingly Telephones A Rabbi From Isreal, To Notify Him Of A Shortage Of Chrain (Horseradish). The Rabbi From Isreal Resassures Him Not To Worry, He Will Send The Needed Chrain To Spain. When The Rabbi From Spain Does Not Receive His Chrain, He Telephones The Rabbi In Isreal. The Rabbi From Isreal Says I Am Sorry To Inform You, We Have A Major Air Plane Strike In Isreal. Unfortunately At This Time, THE CHRAIN FOR SPAIN IS MAINLY ON THE PLANE.
(Submitted by Arnie Idelson on 4-2-09)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh (get it, no I's)
(submitted by Samantha on October 30, 2009)
A man in his 90's, for a Special Birthday Gift from his Grandsons, is sent a Stripper to his home to entertain him. After she rings the bell of his home, she informs him that his grandsons sent her as a special birthday gift, to provide her services. The grandfather asks her, " What do you do?" She said ,"I can provide you "Sup-er Sex". He says, Look, I'm 98 years old, I'll take the Soup!"
(Submitted by Arnie Idelson CTRS, LCAT, CPRP on 8-2-08)
What is the
first letter of the word Yellow?
What is the first letter of the word Yellow?
(DW of Veranda on March 22, 2006)
What did God say to
the man on the moon?
Kneel Armstrong! (a.k.a. ""Neil Armstrong!)
(Submitted by Marisa Jordan of Royal
Ottawa Hospital)
What did the mother buffalo say
to her child as he left for school?...Bison!
(submitted by David of Asbury~Solomons)
Why was Cinderella so lousy at baseball? Who could blame her,
she had a pumkin for a coach and was always running from the
ball!
(submitted by David of Asbury~Solomons)
Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? Fo Drizzle
What do you have on your patio
that is Irish? PATTY O'FURNITURE
(submitted by Bonnie Knudson of Highland
Cove Assisted Living)
What
do you get when you cross a rabbit and a spider? A hairnet.
(submitted by Debra Cordell of University of Evansville)
Why don't ducks carry spare change? They all have "bills".
(submitted by Chester Southard of North
Texas State Hospital)
What did one frog say to the other? Time sure if fun when you're having flies.
(submitted by Heather Singh)
What does an agnostic dyslexic
do when experiencing insomnia? ANSWER: Sit up all night wondering
if there really is a dog.
(submitted by Andrea Wilson of City of
Scottsdale)
Why did the one handed man cross
the road?? ANSWER: cause the second hand store was across
the street.
(submitted by Carla-Jo McGuire, Alberta,
Canada)
Why do people wear perfume and
cologne to church? ANSWER: Because they sit on pews. (submitted
by Kim Amentt)
Why do cowboys ride horses? ANSWER: Because they are too heavy to carry.
(submitted by Kim Amentt)
What do you call onions and
beans? ANSWER: Tear gas.
(submitted by Tina of On With Life at Glenwood)
If April showers bring may flowers,
then what do May flowers bring? ANSWER: Pilgrims
(submitted by Amy Scheuer CTRS)
Why did the turtle cross the
street? ANSWER: To get to the Shell station!!
(submitted by Caroline O'Brien, CTRS)
What does a car say when its
time to go??? Let's motor-vate!
(submitted by Elizabeth)
"Why
do seagulls fly over the ocean rather than the bay? ANSWER:
Because than they would be bay-gulls (bagels)!
(submitted by Nicole Puchino)
A sandwich and a banana walk
into a bar. They go up to the bartender and say, "Bartender,
get us each a beer!" The bartender turns to them and says,
"Sorry, but we don't serve food here." (submitted
by Barbara Demonarco)
What do the Twilight Zone and
the New York Sewer System have in common? DODODODODO!
(submitted by Kathy Engh)
Why is a bad joke like a poor
pencil? Because it has no point.
(submitted by Diane Winegar)
What do you feed an invisible
cat? Evaporated milk
(submitted by Diane Winegar)
Where do baby cows eat? The calf-eteria.
(submitted by Diane Winegar)
What did the wicked chicken
lay? Deviled eggs.
(submitted by Diane Winegar)
What do you call a cow with
no legs? Ground beef!
(submitted by Tim Wheeler)
How do you get a Kleenex to
dance? Put a little Boogie in it!!
(submitted by Tim Wheeler)
What do you call a mathematician
on a frozen pond? Answer: A FIGURE SKATER!
(submitted by Becky Neeley)
A man visits his psychiatrist
and says, "Iıve been having recurring dreams. One night
Iıll dream Iım a teepee, the next night Iıll dream Iım a wigwam.
Whatıs your diagnosis". The psychiatrist responds,
"That easy, you're two tents." (get it?)
(submitted by Stan Walls)
What
is it called when a person sings in the shower? Answer:
A SOAP OPERA!!!
(submitted by Becky Neeley)
Psychiatrist to chicken: "Why
do YOU think you cross the road?"
(submitted by Becky Neeley)
What did the Chinese man say
when they cut off his pony-tail? Answer: "It won't
be long now"
(submitted
by Heather in New Jersey)
What do they use frozen band-aids
for? Answer: Cold Cuts!
(submitted by Heather in New Jersey)
What did one hat say to the
other hat? Answer: "You stay here I'm gonna go on a
head!"
(submitted
by Heather in New Jersey)
What kind of nurse would fall
in love with a rich patient? Answer: A practical nurse.
What time is it when an elephant
sits on a fence? Answer: Time to buy a new fence.
What's worse than finding a
worm in your apple? Answer: Finding half a worm.
What time is it when kids need
a nap? Answer: Whine o'clock!
Define: kindred Answer:
Fear of relatives.
Define: bunions Answer:
Spicy breakfast rolls.
What do you get if you cross
a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster? Answer: A cockapoodledoo!
What
did the rabbit say when he fell into a hole filled with water? Answer "Oh, well."
Did you hear about the boxer
who lost every bout? Answer: He had to go in for jab counseling
Why was the weeping willow weeping? Answer: Because he was so unpoplar.
Define: braggart. One who
puts his feats in his mouth.
Why did the algae and and the
fungus get married? They took a lichen to each other.
Why did the farmer teach his
livestock to play poker? He wanted to see the 3 billy goats
bluff
Why is the hen sitting on an
axe? Answer: She wants to hatchet.
Why does a dog chase his tails? He wanted to make ends meet.
Why are you always welcome in
the "Show Me" state? Answer: Because Missouri
loves company.
They say laughter's the best
medicine. No way, my doc would've billed me for it.
What do you get if you light
a duck's tail? Answer: A firequacker.
How can a person be 94 on her
last birthday and 96 on her next birthday? Answer: Today's
her birthday.
Why are burglars so relaxed? Answer: They like to take things easy.
How do you know the Invisible
Man has no children? Answer: Because he's not apparent.
Why are horses lousy dancers? Answer: They have two left feet.
What do you get if a bee falls
in the meat grinder? Answer: A little humburger.
Define:
claustrophobia. Answer: Fear of Santa Claus.
What are cow hides chiefly used
for? Answer: To hold cows together!
What animal jumps when it walks
and sits when it stands? Answer: Kangaroo
Why did the class clown spend
the whole night crawling around on the playground? Answer:
He lost his marbles!
What award did the inventor
of the door knocker win? Answer: The No-Bell prize.
What do you call that great
feeling you get when you finish your homework? Answer: The
aftermath!
What do you call someone who
plays basketball in a shirt and tie? Answer: A gym dandy.
What color is a cheerleader? Answer: Yeller!
What subject do snakes like? Answer: Hiss-tory!
Why
didn't the skeleton want to be a recreation specialist? Answer: His heart wasn't in it!
What kind of school do you have
to drop out of to graduate? Answer: Parachute school!
Why did the two wrestlers have
to fight in the dark? Answer: Their match wouldn't light!
What do you do if you smash
your toe? Answer: Call a toe truck. |